The Twilight Saga 5: Midnight Sun 7. Melody

I had to wait when I got back to school. The final hour wasnt out yet. That was good, because I had things to think about and I needed the simply time.Her look lingered in the rail government agency car. I kept the windowpanes up, letting it assault me, hard to get employ to the feel of intention solelyy torching my throat.Attraction.It was a problematic thing to contemplate. So many sides to it, so many distinguishable meanings and levels. Not the same thing as tell apart, hardly tied up in it inextricably.I had no root word if Bella was attracted to me. (Would her mental silence somehow continue to get more and more frustrating until I went mad? Or was there a limit that I would flattu entirelyy reach?)I tried to comp ar her physical responses to others, same the secretary and Jessica Stanley, exactly the comparison was inconclusive. The same markers flip-flops in upliftt rate and airing patterns could clean as easily mean f pinnule or shock or anxiety as they di d interest. It nabmed remotely that Bella could be entertaining the same kinds of perspectives that Jessica Stanley used to have. After entirely, Bella knew rattling well that there was something wrong with me, even if she didnt know what exactly it was. She had touched my icy skin, and then yanked her hand away from the chill.And yetas I remembered those fantasies that used to repulse me, but remembered them with Bella in Jessicas placeI was breathing more quickly, the evoke clawing up and down my throat.What if it had been Bella imagining me with my arms wrapped close to her svelte body? Feeling me pull her tightly against my chest and then cupping my hand under her chin? Brushing the heavy curtain of her vibrissa back from her blushing face? Tracing the shape of her full lips with my fingertips? Leaning my face closer to hers, where I could feel the heat of her breath on my let out? Moving closer sboulder clayness save then I flinched away from the daydream, knowing, as I had cognise when Jessica had imagined these things, what would happen if I got that close to her.Attraction was an impossible dilemma, because I was already too attracted to Bella in the worst way.Did I want Bella to be attracted to me, a woman to a man?That was the wrong interrogation. The adjust question was should I want Bella to be attracted to me that way, and that answer was no. Because I was non a homosexual man, and that wasnt fair to her.With every fiber of my being, I ached to be a normal man, so that I could h rare her in my arms without risking her life. So that I could be free to spin my own fantasies, fantasies that didnt end in with her argumentation on my hands, her blood glowing in my eyes. My pursuit of her was indefensible. What kind of relationship could I finisher her, when I couldnt risk abject her?I hung my head in my hands.It was all the more confusing because I had never felt so human in my whole life non even when I was human, as farther as I could recall. When I had been human, my imaginations had all been turned to a soldiers glory. The Great War had raged through near of my adolescence, and Id been only nine months away from my ordinal birthday when the influenza had struck I had just vague impressions of those human years, murky memories that faded more with every passing decade. I remembered my mother most clearly, and felt an ancient ache when I thought of her face. I recalled dimly how oft she had hated the future Id raced eagerly toward, praying every night when she verbalise dramatise at dinner that the horrid war would end I had no memories of a nonher kind of yearning. Besides my mothers love, there was no other love that had make me wish to stayThis was entirely new to me. I had no parallels to draw, no comparisons to make. The love I felt for Bella had come purely, but now the waters were muddied. I wanted very much to be able to touch her. Did she feel the same way?That didnt matter, I tried to conv ince myself.I stared at my tweed hands, hating their hardness, their coldness, their inhuman strengthI jumped when the passenger door opened.Ha. Caught you by surprise. Theres a first, Emmett thought as he slid into the seat. Ill bet Mrs. Goff thinks youre on drugs, youve been so erratic lately. Where were you now?I wasdoing good deeds.Huh?I chuckled. Caring for the sick, that kind of thing.That confused him more, but then he inhaled and caught the scent in the car. Oh. The girl again?I grimaced.This is getting weird.Tell me about it, I mumbled.He inhaled again. Hmm, she does have a quite a flavor, doesnt she?The snarl broke through my lips before his words had even registered all the way, an automatic response.Easy, kid, Im just vocalisein.The others arrived then. Rosalie noniced the scent at once and glowered at me, still not all over her irritation. I wondered what her problem was, but all I could image from her were insults.I didnt like Jaspers reaction, either. Like Emme tt, he noticed Bellas appeal. Not that the scent had, for either of them, a thousandth portion of the draw it had for me. I was still upset me that her blood was sweet to them. Jasper had poor control Alice skipped to my side of the car and held her hand out for Bellas truck key. I only motto that I was, she say obscurely, as was her ha snatch. Youll have to tell me the whys.This doesnt mean I know, I know. Ill wait. It wont be long.I sighed and gave her the key.I followed her to Bellas house. The rain was pounding down like a zillion tiny hammers, so loud that maybe Bellas human ears couldnt hear the thunder of the trucks engine. I watched her window, but she didnt come to look out. Maybe she wasnt there. There were no thoughts to hear.It make me blue that I couldnt hear enough even to check on her to make sure she was happy, or safe, at the least.Alice climbed in the back and we sped home. The roads were empty, and so it only took a a few(prenominal) excellents. We troope d into the house, and then went to our various pastimes.Emmett and Jasper were in the middle of an elaborate game of chess, utilizing eight joined boards spread out along the codswallop back wall and their own complicated set of rules. They wouldnt let me play only Alice would play games with me anymore. Alice went to her computer just around the corner from them and I could hear her monitors sing to life. Alice was working on a fashion design project for Rosalies wardrobe, but Rosalie did not join her today, to stand behind her and direct cut and tinge as Alices hand traced over the touch sen seative screens (Carlisle and I had had to tweak that system a pip, given that most such screens responded to temperature). Instead, today Rosalie sprawled sullenly on the sofa and started flipping through twenty channels a second on the flat screen, never pausing. I could hear her trying to decide whether or not to go out to the garage and tune her BMW again.Esme was up steps, humming ov er a new set of blue prints.Alice leaned her head around the wall after a moment and started mouthing Emmetts next moves Emmett sit down on the floor with his back to her to Jasper, who kept his expression very smooth as he cut off Emmetts upgrade knight.And I, for the first time in so long that I felt ashamed, went to sit at the exquisite grand piano stati atomic number 53d just off the entryway.I ran my hand gently up the scales, testing the pitch. The tuning was still perfect. Upstairs, Esme paused what she was doing and cocked her head to the side.I began the first line of the tune that had suggested itself to me in the car today, pleased that it sounded even better than Id imagined.Edward is playing again, Esme thought joyously, a smile breaking crossways her face. She got up from her desk, and flitted silently to the head of the stairs. I added a harmonizing line, letting the central mental strain weave through it.Esme sighed with contentment, sat down on the top step, and leaned her head against the banister. A new song. Its been so long. What a lovely tune.I let the occupation lead in a new direction, following it with the bass line.Edward is composing again? Rosalie thought, and her teeth clenched together in fierce resentment.In that moment, she slipped, and I could read all her underlying outrage. I saw why she was in such a poor temper with me. wherefore killing Isabella Swan had not bothered her conscience at all.With Rosalie, it was always about vanity.The music came to an abrupt halt, and I capered before I could help myself, a sharp bark of sport that broke off quickly as I threw my hand over my mouth. Rosalie turned to glare at me, her eyes sparking with chagrined fury.Emmett and Jasper turned to stare, too, and I hear Esmes confusion. Esme was downstairs in a flash, pausing to glance between Rosalie and me.Dont stop, Edward, Esme encouraged after a strained moment.I started playing again, turning my back on Rosalie age trying very hard to control the grin stretching across my face. She got to her feet and stalked out of the room, more angry than embarrassed. But certainly quite embarrassed.If you say anything I will hunt you like a dog.I smothered another laugh.Whats wrong, Rose? Emmett called after her. Rosalie didnt turn. She continued, back ramrod straight, to the garage and then squirmed under her car as if she could bury herself there.Whats that about? Emmett asked me.I dont have the faintest idea, I lied.Emmett grumbled, frustrated.Keep playing, Esme urged. My hands had paused again.I did as she asked, and she came to stand behind me, putting her hands on my shoulders.The song was compelling, but incomplete. I toyed with a bridge, but it didnt seem right somehow.Its charming. Does it have a name? Esme asked.Not yet.Is there a story to it? she asked, a smile in her voice. This gave her very great pleasure, and I felt guilty for having neglected my music for so long. It had been selfish. Itsa lullaby, I suppose. I got the bridge right then. It led easily to the next movement, taking on a life of its own.A lullaby, she repeated to herself.There was a story to this melody, and once I saw that, the pieces fell into place effort slightly. The story was a sleeping girl in a narrow bed, dark hair thick and wild and twisted like seaweed across the pillowAlice leftfield Jasper to his own devices and came to sit next to me on the bench. In her trilling, wind chime voice, she sketched out a wordless descant ii octaves above the melody.I like it, I murmured. But how about this?I added her line to the harmony my hands were flying across the keys now to work all the pieces together modifying it a bit, taking it in a new direction She caught the mood, and sung along.Yes. Perfect, I said.Esme squeezed my shoulder.But I could see the end now, with Alices voice ascension above the tune and taking it to another place. I could see how the song must end, because the sleeping girl was perfect just the way she was, and any change at all would be wrong, a sadness. The song drifted toward that realization, slower and lower now. Alices voice lowered, too, and became solemn, a tone that belonged under the echoing arches of a candlelit cathedral. I vie the oddment note, and then bowed my head over the keys.Esme stroked my hair. Its going to be fine, Edward. This is going to work out for the best. You deserve happiness, my son. Fate owes you that.Thanks, I whispered, compliments I could believe it.Love doesnt always come in convenient packages.I laughed once without humor.You, out of everyone on this planet, are perhaps best equipped to mound with such a difficult quandary. You are the best and the brightest of us all.I sighed. Every mother thought the same of her son.Esme was still full of joy that my lovingness had finally been touched after all this time, no matter the potential for tragedy. Shed thought I would always be aloneShell have to love you back, she thought sudden ly, catching me by surprise with the direction of her thoughts. If shes a bright girl. She smiled. But I cant imagine anyone being so slow they wouldnt see the catch you are. persist it, Mom, youre making me blush, I teased. Her words, though improbable, did cheer me.Alice laughed and picked out the top hand of Heart and Soul. I grinned and completed the simple harmony with her. Then I favored her with a performance of Chopsticks.She giggled, then sighed. So I wish youd tell me what you were laughing at Rose about, Alice said. But I can see that you wont.Nope.She flicked my ear with her finger.Be nice, Alice, Esme chided. Edward is being a gentleman.But I want to know.I laughed at the whining tone she put on. Then I said, Here, Esme, and began playing her favorite song, an unnamed tribute to the love Id watched between her and Carlisle for so many years.Thank you, dear. She squeezed my shoulder again.I didnt have to concentrate to play the familiar piece. Instead I thought of Rosal ie, still figuratively writhing in mortification in the garage, and I grinned to myself. Having just discovered the potency of jealousy for myself, I had a small add of pity for her. It was a wretched way to feel. Of course, her jealously was a thousand times more petty than mine. Quite the fox in the manger scenario.I wondered how Rosalies life and personality would have been different if she had not always been the most beautiful. Would she have been a happier person if beauty hadnt at all times been her strongest selling point? Less egocentric? More compassionate? Well, I supposed it was useless to wonder, because the past was done, and she always had been the most beautiful. Even when human, she had ever lived in the dapple of her own loveliness. Not that shed minded. The opposite shed loved admiration above almost anything else. That hadnt changed with the loss of her mortality.It was no surprise then, taking this need as a given, that shed been pained when I had not, from the beginning, worshiped her beauty the way she expected all males to worship. Not that shed wanted me in any way far from it. But it had aggravated her that I did not want her, despite that. She was used to being wanted.It was different with Jasper and Carlisle they were already both in love. I was completely unattached, and yet still remained obstinately unmoved.Id thought that old resentment was buried. That she was long passed it.And she had beenuntil the day that I finally found someone whose beauty touched me the way hers had not.Rosalie had relied on the belief that if I did not suffer her beauty worth worshiping, then certainly there was no beauty on earth that would reach me. Shed been furious since the moment Id saved Bellas life, guessing, with her shrewd effeminate intuition, the interest that I was all but unconscious of myself.Rosalie was mortally offended that I found some insignificant human girl more openhearted than her.I suppressed the urge to laugh again.It bothered me some, though, the way she saw Bella. Rosalie actually thought the girl was plain. How could she believe that? It seemed incomprehensible to me. A product of the jealousy, no doubt.Oh Alice said abruptly. Jasper, guess what?I saw what shed just seen, and my hands froze on the keys.What, Alice? Jasper asked. shaft of light and Charlotte are coming to visit next week Theyre going to be in the neighborhood, isnt that nice?Whats wrong, Edward? Esme asked, feeling the tension in my shoulders.Peter and Charlotte are coming to Forks? I hissed at Alice She rolled her eyes at me. Calm down, Edward. Its not their first visit.My teeth clenched together. It was their first visit since Bella had arrived, and her sweet blood didnt appeal just to me.Alice frowned at my expression. They never hunt here. You know that.But Jaspers companion of sorts and the little vampire he loved were not like us they hunted the usual way. They could not be trusted around Bella.When? I demanded.She purse d her lips unhappily, but told me what I needed to know. Monday break of day. No one is going to hurt Bella.No, I agreed, and then turned away from her. You ready, Emmett?I thought we were leaving in the morning? Were coming back by midnight Sunday. I guess its up to you when you wantto leave.Okay, fine. Let me say goodbye to Rose first.Sure. With the mood Rosalie was in, it would be a bypass goodbye.You really have lost it, Edward, he thought as he headed toward the back door.I suppose I have.Play the new song for me, one more time, Esme asked.If youd like that, I agreed, though I was a little hesitant to follow the tune to its unavoidable end the end that had set me suffer in unfamiliar ways. I thought for a moment, and then pulled the bottle cap from my pocket and set it on the empty music stand. That helped a bit my little memento of her yes.I nodded to myself, and started playing.Esme and Alice exchanged a glance, but neither one asked.Hasnt anyone ever told you not to pla y with your food? I called to Emmett.Oh, hey Edward he yelled back, grinning and waving at me. The hold in took advantage of his distraction to rake its heavy paw across Emmetts chest. The sharp claws shredded through his shirt, and squealed across his skin.The bear bellowed at the high-pitched noise.Aw hell, Rose gave me this shirtEmmett roared back at the enraged animal.I sighed and sat down on a convenient boulder. This might allot awhile.But Emmett was almost done. He let the bear try to take his head off with another swipe of the paw, laughing as the blow bounced off and sent the bear staggering back. The bear roared and Emmett roared again through his laughter. Then he launched himself at the animal, who stood a head taller than him on its hind legs, and their bodies fell to the groundwork tangled up together, taking a mature spruce tree down with them. The bears growls cut off with a gurgle.A few minutes later, Emmett jogged over to where I was waiting for him. His shirt w as destroyed, torn and bloodied, sticky with sap and covered in fur. His dark curly hair wasnt in much better shape. He had a huge grin on his face.That was a strong one. I could almost feel it when he clawed me.Youre such a child, Emmett.He eye my smooth, clean white button-down. Werent you able to track down that mountain lion, then?Of course I was. I just dont eat like a savage.Emmett laughed his favourable laugh. I wish they were stronger. It would be more fun.No one said you had to fight your food.Yeah, but who else am I going to fight with? You and Alice cheat, Rose never wants to get her hair messed up, and Esme gets mad if Jasper and I really go at it. Life is hard all around, isnt it?Emmett grinned at me, shifting his weight a bit so that he was suddenly poised to take a charge.Cmon Edward. Just turn it off for one minute and fight fair.It doesnt turn off, I reminded him. admiration what that human girl does to keep you out? Emmett mused. Maybe she could give me some point ers.My good humor vanished. Stay away from her, I growled through my teeth. Touchy, touchy.I sighed. Emmett came to sit beside me on the rock.Sorry. I know youre going through a tough spot. I really am trying to not be too much of an insensitive jerk, but, since thats sort of my natural state He waited for me to laugh at his joke, and then make a face.So serious all the time. Whats bugging you now? opinion about her. Well, worrying, really.Whats there to worry about? You are here. He laughed loudly.I ignored his joke again, but answered his question. Have you ever thought about how fragile they all are? How many bad things there are that can happen to a mortal?Not really. I guess I see what you mean, though. I wasnt much match for a bear that first time around, was I?Bears, I muttered, adding a new fear to the pile. That would be just her luck, wouldnt it? contrive bear in town. Of course it would head straight for Bella.Emmett chuckled. You sound like a crazy person, do you know t hat? Just imagine for one minute that Rosalie was human, Emmett. And she could run into a bearor get hit by a caror lighteningor fall down stairsor get sick get a disease The words burst from me stormily. It was a relief to let them out theyd been festering inside me all weekend. Fires and earthquakes and tornados UghWhens the last time you watched the news? Have you seen the kinds of things that happen to them? Burglaries and homicides My teeth clenched together, and I was abruptly so infuriated by the idea of another human hurting her that I couldnt breathe. Whoa, whoa Hold up, there, kid. She lives in Forks, remember? So she gets rained on. He shrugged.I think she has some serious bad luck, Emmett, I really do. scene at the evidence. Of all the places in the world she could go, she ends up in a town where vampires make up a significant portion of the population.Yeah, but were vegetarians. So isnt that good luck, not bad?With the way she smells? Definitely bad. And then, more b ad luck, the way she smells to me. I glowered at my hands, hating them again.Except that you have more self-control than just about anyone but Carlisle. Good luck again.The van?That was just an accident.You should have seen it coming for her, Em, again and again. I swear, it was like she had some kind of magnetic pull.But you were there. That was good luck.Was it? Isnt this the worst luck any human could ever possibly have to have a vampire fall in love with them?Emmett considered that quiet for a moment. He expressd the girl in his head, and found the image uninteresting. Honestly, I cant really see the draw.Well, I cant really see Rosalies allure, either, I said rudely. Honestly, she seems like more work than any pretty face is worth.Emmett chuckled. I dont suppose youd tell meI dont know what her problem is, Emmett, I lied with a sudden, wide grin. I saw his intent in time to brace myself. He tried to shove me off the rock, and there was a loud cinch sound as a fissure opened in the stone between us. Cheater, he muttered.I waited for him to try another time, but his thoughts took a different direction. He was picturing Bellas face again, but imagining it whiter, imagining her eyes bright redNo, I said, my voice strangled.It solves your worries about mortality, doesnt it? And then you wouldnt want to kill her, either. Isnt that the best way?For me? Or for her?For you, he answered easily. His tone added the of course.I laughed humorlessly. Wrong answer.I didnt mind so much, he reminded me.Rosalie did.He sighed. We both knew that Rosalie would do anything, give up anything, if it meant she could be human again. Even Emmett.Yeah, Rose did, he acquiesced quietly.I cant I shouldnt Im not going to ruin Bellas life. Wouldnt you feel the same, if it were Rosalie?Emmett thought about that for a moment. You reallylove her?I cant even describe it, Emmett. All of a sudden, this girls the whole world to me. I dont see the point of the rest of the world without her an ymore.But you wont change her? She wont last forever, Edward.I know that, I groaned.And, as youve pointed out, shes sort of breakable.Trust me that I know, too.Emmett was not a tactful person, and delicate discussions were not his forte. He struggled now, wanting very much not to be offensive.Can you even touch her? I mean, if you love herwouldnt you want to, well touch her?Emmett and Rosalie shared an intensely physical love. He had a hard time understanding how one could love, without that aspect.I sighed. I cant even think of that, Emmett.Wow. So what are your options, then?I dont know, I whispered. Im trying to figure out a way toto leave her. I just cant fathom how to make myself stay awayWith a deep sense of gratification, I suddenly realized that it was right for me to stay at least for now, with Peter and Charlotte on their way. She was safer with me here, temporarily, than she would be if I were gone. For the moment, I could be her unlikely protector.The thought made me a nxious I itched to be back so that I could fill that role for as long as possible.Emmett noticed the change in my expression. What are you thinking about?Right now, I admitted a bit sheepishly, Im dying to run back to Forks and check on her. I dont know if Ill make it till Sunday night.Uh-uh You are not going home early. Let Rosalie cool down a little bit.Please For my sake.Ill try to stay, I said doubtfully.Emmett tapped the audio in my pocket. Alice would call if there were any basis for your panic attack. Shes as weird about this girl as you are.I grimaced at that. Fine. But Im not staying past Sunday.Theres no point in hurrying back its going to be sunny, anyway. Alice said we were free from school until Wednesday.I shook my head rigidly.Peter and Charlotte know how to behave themselves.I really dont care, Emmett. With Bellas luck, shell go wandering off into the woods at exactly the wrong moment and I flinched. Peter isnt known for his selfcontrol. Im going back Sunday.Emme tt sighed. Exactly like a crazy person.Bella was sleeping peacefully when I climbed up to her bedroom window early Monday morning. Id remembered oil this time, and the window now moved silently out of my way.I could tell by the way her hair lay smooth across the pillow that shed had a less restless night than the last time I was here. She had her hands folded under her cheek like a small child, and her mouth was slightly open. I could hear her breath moving slowly in and out between her lips.It was an amazing relief to be here, to be able to see her again. I realized that I wasnt truly at ease unless that was the case. Nothing was right when I was away from her.Not that all was right when I was with her, either, though. I sighed, letting the thirst fire rake through my throat. Id been away from it too long. The time spent without pain and temptation made it all the more forceful now. It was bad enough that I was afraid to go kneel beside her bed so that I could read the titles of he r books. I wanted to know the stories in her head, but I was afraid of more than my thirst, afraid that if I let myself get that close to her, I would want to be closer stillHer lips looked very soft and warm. I could imagine touching them with the tip of my finger. Just lightlyThat was exactly the kind of mistake that I had to avoid.My eyes ran over her face again and again, examining it for changes. Mortals changed all the time I was sad at the thought of missing anythingI thought she lookedtired. Like she hadnt gotten enough sleep this weekend.Had she gone out?I laughed silently and wryly at how much that upset me. So what if she had? I didnt own her. She wasnt mine.No, she wasnt mine and I was sad again.One of her hands twitched, and I noticed that there were shallow, barely healed scrapes across the heel of her palm. Shed been hurt? Even though it was obviously not a serious injury, it still disturbed me. I considered the location, and decided she must have tripped. That seem ed a reasonable explanation, all things considered.It was comforting to think that I wouldnt have to puzzle over either of these small mysteries forever. We were friends now or, at least, trying to be friends. I could ask her about her weekend about the beach, and whatever late night activity had made her look so weary. I could ask what had happened to her hands. And I could laugh a little when she confirmed my theory about them.I smiled gently as I wondered whether or not she had fallen in the ocean. I wondered if shed had a pleasant time on the outing. I wondered if shed thought about me at all. If shed missed me even the tiniest portion of the amount that Id missed her. I tried to picture her in the sun on the beach. The picture was incomplete, though, because Id never been to First Beach myself. I only knew how it looked in pictures I felt a tiny mistrust of unease as I thought about the reason why Id never once been to the pretty beach located just a few minutes run from my home. Bella had spent the day at La Push a place where I was forbidden, by treaty, to go. A place where a few old men still remembered the stories about the Cullens, remembered and believed them. A place where our secret was knownI shook my head. I had nothing to worry about there. The Quileutes were leap by treaty, too. Even had Bella run into one of those aging sages, they could reveal nothing. And why would the subject ever be broached? Why would Bella think to voice her wonderment there? No the Quileutes were perhaps the one thing I did not have to worry about.I was angry with the sun when it began to rise. It reminded me that I could not reward my curiosity for days to come. Why did it choose to shine now?With a sigh, I ducked out her window before it was light enough for anyone to see me here. I meant to stay in the thick forest by her house and see her off to school, but when I got into the trees, I was surprised to find the trace of her scent lingering on the trail ther e.I followed it quickly, curiously, becoming more and more worried as it led deeper into the darkness. What had Bella been doing out here?The trail stopped abruptly, in the middle of nowhere in particular. Shed gone just a few steps off the trail, into the ferns, where shed touched the trunk of a fallen tree. Perhaps sat thereI sat where she had, and looked around. All she would have been able to see was ferns and forest. It had probably been raining the scent was washed out, having never set deeply into the tree.Why would Bella have come to sit here alone and she had been alone, no doubt about that in the middle of the wet, murky forest?It made no sense, and, unlike those other points of curiosity, I could hardly bring this up in casual conversation.So, Bella, I was following your scent through the woods after I left your room where Id been watching you sleep Yes, that would be quite the ice breaker. I would never know what shed been thinking and doing here, and that had my teet h grinding together in frustration. Worse, this was far too much like the scenario Id imagined for Emmett Bella wandering alone in the woods, where her scent would call to anyone who had the senses to track itI groaned. Not only did she have bad luck, but she courted it.Well, for this moment she had a protector. I would watch over her, keep her from harm, for as long as I could justify it.I suddenly found myself wishing that Peter and Charlotte would make an extended stay.